Random Acts Of Kindness

A Story to Live By. By Ann Wells of the Los Angeles Times.

My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue wrapped package.

"This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip.

It was exquisite; silk, hand made and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached.

"Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion.

He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me.

"Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion."

I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's family live. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or heard or done. I thought about the things she had done without realising they were special.

I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life. I'm reading more and doing less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without worrying about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time at committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savour, not endure. I'm trying to recognise these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not 'saving' anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event - such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $29.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends.

"Some day" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now. I'm not sure what my sister would have done had she known she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologise and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favourite food. I'm guessing - I'll never know.

It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good friends whom I was going to get in touch with some day. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and lustre to our lives.

And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is . . . a gift from God.

~*~

KIND THINGS TO DO . . . as a parent

The following are some ways in which parents can impart kind attitudes on their children by teaching by example.

Once again, the importance of listening is stressed. When your children come to you to talk about something, resist the temptation to jump in and give advice before they have finished. If you listen carefully and don’t interrupt, you could become more aware of the pressures effecting young people today. If you don’t listen carefully, there is a possibility they may stop talking to you. As we all know, talking to someone who doesn’t have our full attention is a frustrating experience. Author Judy Blume tells us, "Listen carefully. Every kid who’s ever written to me longs for the same thing: parental support, encouragement, and acceptance." It would probably be a good idea to make a few signs and post them around the house with the words, "Listen, support, encourage, accept". In fact, these signs could be placed anywhere, for they are guiding principles for dealing with anyone. When ever your child comes to you for advice, stop whatever you are doing and give him/her your undivided attention. If this is not convenient, work out a time that is suitable for both of you, and preferably within the next hour or two. Of course, you must ALWAYS honour the agreement, otherwise you will be perceived as being unreliable, uncaring, and other words that will drive a wedge between you and your child.

Seek to resolve problems in a calm and logical manner with children. Listen carefully to the why, what, where and how of your child’s conversation. Avoid snap decisions and instead carefully deliberate the pros and cons. If you need to think about it, or talk it over with someone else, explain this to the child. Always explain clearly what you have based your decision on, try to have it seen as being a fair decision, and ask for feed back.

Be your child’s role model for kind behaviour.

The following should be obvious to everyone, but we mention it regardless. Never, ever, verbally or physically abuse anyone in front of a young person. Besides being a traumatic experience for the child, it could give them the impression that all problems can be resolved in a similar manner. Stay cool!

Be aware of your praise to criticize ratio. Studies have revealed it is heavily weighed towards criticism. The most recent study found that for every time a child was praised, they were criticised 17 times! (It was found that peer criticism was almost three times this figure). We are not suggesting that you refrain from criticising, but that there is a reasonable balance between the praise and criticism. While too little praise can inhibit a child’s personality, too much can be detrimental as well. That may surprise you, but if a child is praised for every little thing they do, it is creating a reward system. When the child is in a situation where the reward system does not apply (such as virtually anywhere outside of the child’s home), the child will experience feelings of helplessness, and perhaps anxiety. Thus, such a practice, which is intended to boost self esteem, will have the opposite effect.

Check with your school to see if they have a nutrition policy which discourages the use of junk food. The Dept. of Education has booklets on this.

Young people need guide lines. Not too many, or they will consider home a jail. When guide lines are set, they need to be enforced. For instance, if TV is restricted to a certain number of hours per week, be sure you have a method of keeping track of the viewing time, otherwise it will become a farce. Perhaps it may be easier to allow viewing on certain nights only, which is easier to regulate. Perhaps the whole family could have one or two ‘no TV’ nights. Some parents rely on the TV as the sole means of keeping a child occupied. This is not a good practice as TV has a habit of changing camera angles and scenes rapidly. Once the child becomes accustomed to this rapid fire technique, they lapse easily into boredom in any other situation. It could also be why hyperactivity has taken a leap forward in recent years. If there is a specific bed time (and there should be), don’t be swayed by an excuse to stay up later. If there is something on TV that they ‘must’ watch, offer to tape it for them (providing it is rated according to their age group). Parents also need to make an agreement between themselves not to be played off against each other by the children.

Encourage kind behaviour and praise such behaviour when it is witnessed.

Realise that young people are subjected to high levels of stress. There is the pressure of school - homework and exams, put downs by peers and teachers. There may also be a lack of literacy and numeracy skills, and bullying is common. They could have difficulty in coping with broken romances, and their maturing body is also a cause of concern and sometimes embarrassment to them. At home there are many factors - indifference to the young person’s need for advice and guidance, there may be verbal or physical abuse, and possibly stress in the home (from lack of money, excessive hours at work, disharmony, and many others). Some young people have no sense of belonging in either their home or in the community – they can have the impression that adults are uncaring and at times hostile. This results in a feeling that they are outcasts of society, which promotes frustration and hopelessness. As adults we tend to forget the things we did when we were young that expressed our unique identity. Young people of every generation behave in such a manner, it’s part of the process of evolving. Our past society was more forgiving of such acts – why are we less tolerant? Young people are getting a bad deal, and sometimes they react to this with low level violence such as coarse language, bumping into pedestrians, and graffiti. Just imagine the positive effect it would have on young people if the majority of adults were to smile and say "Hi" to any young person encountered, and occasionally stopped to have a short chat.

It is normal for children to have a room that resembles a pig’s sty. Don’t concern yourself about it, let them have that space so they can express themselves any way they wish. In return you can ask that in any other room of the house, they need to behave like any other person who uses the area.

Have some involvement in your child’s school, and establish a contact with a teacher or teachers so you can keep check of your child’s progress.

Contact your school either as an individual and suggest some form of kindness nurturing procedure be adopted by the school. This can be by way of a quotation with a kindness theme to start the day, or a brief account by the teacher or a member of the class of an act of kindness, or how kindness can empower people, or what positive effect kindness would have on the community, or the creation of a poem, or a painting by individuals or the whole class depicting kindness.

Be an avid listener when your child is talking about school, you can pick up valuable information. For instance, there may be a problem with a teacher or peer, or your child could be a victim of bullying. If this is so, talk to a teacher, and familiarize yourself with what procedures your child could adopt. Ask your school if they have a anti~bullying program. If you discover that your child is a bully, beware! Statistics gathered in the U.S. reveal that if schoolyard bullies do not have counseling, about half of them will end up in prison as adults.

If you promise your child something, always follow through. If you say you will be at the sporting event/concert, be there! A sure way to break a child’s heart is to break your promises. The same applies to any promise you make. You may in future need to think first before opening your mouth. It’s worth it, as being dependable is considered a great asset!

Couples need the occasional break from being parents. Leave your children in the care of someone you can trust, and go off together for a weekend every few months.

If your child has been diagnosed as having attention deficit disorder (ADD), seek another opinion. The American Medical Association admits thousands of children have been wrongly diagnosed with ADD, and are taking unnecessary mind altering drugs.

Do you have a child in a ballet, tap or other class where assessments are carried out and parents are invited to come along? If there are always spare seats, suggest to the organizers that such seats be made available to interested seniors and nursing home residents.

~*~

KIND THINGS TO DO . . . for your partner

When your partner speaks to you, listen! We realise that with some people it will not be possible to listen to every word they say. We have in mind the people who continually vocalise their thoughts. In such cases you will need to make an agreement that when something of significance is to be discussed, you will be told before hand. You can then sit together, look into each other’s eyes, hold hands if you wish, and savour the moment.

Send funny and romantic cards. Also try your hand at making your own card. Even if you make a very bad card, your partner will think it is wonderful! And bear in mind that the next one you make will be better.

Don’t take your partner for granted. Keep doing all those nice little things you did when you first met. Be polite, helpful and caring. Open doors, help them on and off with their coats, offer to run an errand, tell them how great they look, don’t forget to say ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘sorry’, and most importantly – ‘I love you!’ A word of warning – don’t go overboard in helping them, they may develop what is termed ‘learned helplessness.’ Too much could also send a message that you consider them as being helpless or useless.

Bring flowers or some other small gift home, but not on the same day each week. The same day could put you under that dreadful category of being "predictable", which can very easily be replaced with "boring". You could also pick a flower, or a few different types of leaves, or a seed pod, a small stone, and other things from nature, to present to your partner.

Whenever you are near shops, always keep an eye out for some little thing your partner might like. The emphasis is on ‘little’, meaning small and inexpensive. Gift wrap it or buy one of those little gift boxes to put it in. When you give it, say you saw it and thought he/she would like it, but add that if they don’t like it, they can throw it away or recycle it. In five years time there could be cupboards full of those little things, which have not be thrown out for fear of hurting your feelings. You can learn what your partner likes if you pay attention when she/he is talking (either to you or to friends) and when you are shopping (comments such as "Do you like that?" or "Isn’t that cute!" or "That’s nice!" will tip you off ), or if they pause to look at something.

Train yourself to notice new or different things about your partner. There is nothing worse than, for instance, wearing a new item of clothing or shoes, or having a new hair style, and not having it noticed. Observation is an art that can be fine tuned with practise.

Buy some candles for a candle lit dinner.

If your partner does the cooking, it is fair exchange for you to do the washing up. On a similar vein, if they do the ironing, you can do the washing (or vice versa).

See romantic and ‘feel good’ movies.

Give a foot massage, a leg massage, a back massage or a full massage. If you haven’t been trained in the art of massage, don’t let that hold you back. Don’t use too much pressure, and move your hands slowly. In the cold weather, put the bottle of massage oil in a pocket for ten minutes so it warms to body temperature. Rub your hands vigorously together to warm them up before placing them on your partner. Check with your partner from time to time to establish whether they would like a firmer or lighter touch, whether they would like you to concentrate in an area where their muscles may be stiff (for example, shoulders and upper back). There is a large variety of massage oils available from health food shops. Be aware that the oil can stain clothes, sheets, etc. Seek out a large, inexpensive towel from Targé or similar, to lie on and catch the odd drop of oil. It’s preferable not to use the non staining baby oil, as it is an antagonist to vitamin A in the body. One candlepower lighting is about right, and a relaxing tape helps.

Accentuate the positive. Listen to the words you use, and make a decision to eliminate as many negative ones you can (Negative statements can cause negative attitudes and negative reactions). You will soon become an expert at phrasing your statements in a positive way (Don’t forget phrases like "No worries!", which contains two negative words). This will create a more pleasant atmosphere.

It was Lenny Bruce who said, There are never enough ‘I love yous’. For some people, saying "I love you" feels awkward. The good news is that the more often it is said, the easier it is to say, and it soon changes from awkward to joyful. Practise, practise, practise! If there is a reluctance to vocalise it, write it on a card and post it, or leave it somewhere for your partner to find. WARNING! If there are other people in the house, make sure you put your partner’s name on it, otherwise you could find yourself in deep trouble!

Write some poetry and give it to him/her.

Buy a Far Side book of cartoons or similar, and laugh through them together.

Turn a birthday or similar occasion into a treasure hunt. Make the first note easy to find, and leave clues on the note to find the next one. Make them easy so it’s fun, about 6 notes should be sufficient. Take photos or make a video of the hunt in process.

When eating out, make it obvious you are looking at the other diners. Take your time. Then tell your partner in a sincere way that she/he is the most attractive/handsome person in the place.

For Valentine’s Day, buy a number of cards and put a stamp on each envelope and address it to your partner (or have friends address them, or type them). Put each one in a larger envelope and send to friends in different towns and states. Ask the friend to drop the card in a mail box. When your partner receives the cards from all over the country they will be puzzled at first (it is traditional to send Valentine cards anonymously), but they will soon realise who sent them. However, they will be flattered by the trouble you have gone to.

Have a picnic in the country (make sure you’re not sharing the paddock with a bull!).

Hold hands often.

Watch a sunrise/sunset together, and make a wish (it’s great if you’re on a deserted beach).

Make every day a "Hug Day". Hugging is one of our must under rated past times. Ten hugs a day is not only good for the soul, but good for our health as well.

Wash his/her car.

Regularly tell your partner they look great, use praise often, support what ever they do (even if you are not all that keen on it), tell them you like the way they do this or that.

If your partner is having a shower, try to avoid using water e.g., don’t flush the toilet, do the washing up, or use the washing machine, until after they have finished.

~*~

~A Few Random Acts of Kindness ideas~

If there is a new neighbor in the street or unit block, knock on their door and introduce yourself. You might also like to make up a list of such things as what night the garbage goes out, the phone number of a good electrician and plumber, the service station with the lowest gasoline prices, the local volunteer organizations, your name and telephone number, and so on. This will give your new neighbor a pleasant ‘welcome’ message.
Spend a few minutes going through your old photos, and send whatever you can part with to the people in the photos.
Donate blood, and encourage others to do so.
Take a nap on Sunday afternoon.
When you call any business and the person who picks up the phone sounds happy, or has a nice voice, speaks clearly, and so on, compliment them about it. If they have been helpful in any way, tell them how much you appreciate their help. If they have gone out of their way to be helpful, ask their name and write a letter to the company, advising them what an asset that person is.
Laugh a lot.
Encourage kind behavior, and praise anyone you encounter being kind.
Believe in Fairy Godmothers, miracles, love at first sight, happy endings, knights in shining armour, and you give them permission to materialize in your life.
If you have any surplus books in good condition, consider offering them to your local library or a senior citizen’s center.
Write letters of appreciation to groups who are helping the community, the environment, etc.
Tell someone you love and appreciate them – and do it often.
Avoid negative self-talk.
Give surplus clothing, toys, etc. to charities.
Never criticize anyone’s dreams of the future.
Send a card to a friend or relative you haven't seen for some time. Include a photo of yourself and/or your family.
When your child talks to you, given them your full attention.
Be gentle with planet Earth.
In any disagreement, always act fairly.
Lie on the grass and watch the clouds.
Be considerate of other people’s feelings.
Examine your diet and establish if you could make a few minor changes to make it a more healthy one. Keep checking it from time to time, to see if you can do anything to make it more nourishing.
Consider whether you need to avoid genetically modified (GM) foods.
Once each year, go somewhere you have never been. It could be to an overseas country, or somewhere like an amusement park, a horse race meeting, a barn dance, a new restaurant, and so on.
Say "Bless you!" when anyone sneezes (particularly strangers – the response is normally humorous), and when someone does this to you, say "Thank you!"
Promote kindness wherever you go.
When phoning someone, ask "Have I phoned at the wrong time?". If they are busy, ask when you can call back.
Wave and smile at children in school busses, and at children or dogs in the car next to you at the traffic lights, or if they are looking out the back window of the car in front of you. However, remember to keep your attention on the road while doing so!
Go to the assistance of anyone who appears to be in trouble - the person who doesn't seem to have a coin for the parking meter; someone who looks confused, lost or traumatized; a shopper who can't reach an item on a high shelf; a driver who might need to be guided into a parking spot; someone who is carrying a heavy or unwieldily parcel, and so on.
Turn off the TV and read a book (or communicate with the family).
Play with your children.
Focus on the moment.
Hug a tree.
Do what is right, regardless of the odds or your fears.
Always keep a promise – ALWAYS!
Remember that in any situation you are not a ‘loser.’ It may not have turned out the way you wanted it to, but who is to know what is the best thing for you? In the long run, what you thought was the ‘wrong’ outcome may well have been the best opportunity for you.
Bake cookies or muffins for a neighbor.
Don't be reluctant to say "I'm sorry." With practice it comes easily, and the habit will endear you to your loved ones and friends.
Are you relatively drug free? Do you keep cigarettes, alcohol, coffee. etc. to a minimum? Do you only use over-the-counter and prescription drugs when they are absolutely necessary? Do you refrain from using recreational drugs?
Send an anonymous scratch card, lottery or theater ticket to someone you know (or a gift voucher, a funny card, a chocolate bar, or whatever you feel they would enjoy. )
Keep life simple.
If you know someone who is having a hard time financially, pop a $5, $10 or $20 bill into an envelope, disguise your writing or type the envelope, and send it to them. They will talk about it for weeks, remember it forever, and wonder who it was that sent it to them.
Practice seeing the world as a child might see it – new and interesting things make the world a fascinating place.
Ponder on the real needs of yourself and your family, and respond to them.
Help an out of work person find a job.
When talking on the phone, smile. The smile will come through in your voice.
Give a friend or business associate a kind word, a small gift, or make them a cup of coffee, when they are feeling down.
Have a think about what you may be able to make, rather than buy. If you are thinking, "I don't have the time", realize you may be suffering from a disease carried over from the 20^th century, called ‘distorted time perception.’ If you are thinking, "I don't have the talent", develop ways to enhance your creativity. If you are thinking, "I wouldn't know where to start", borrow a book on whatever it is, or enroll in one of the many courses that are available. If you are thinking, "I can’t be bothered", ask yourself why you have lost your enthusiasm for living.
If you make a mistake, the best thing to do is own it, and take appropriate action.
Learn to do one thing at a time.
Feed an expired parking meter if there is a parking officer in the vicinity.
If the person behind you in the shopping line only has a few items, consider asking them if they would like to go ahead of you.
Do it for love.
Volunteer for some community work.
Be romantic.
Set aside 15-20 minutes of quiet time for yourself.
If you have the choice to be right or to be kind, choose kind (Wayne Dyer).
Take flowers to a hospital ward and give them to someone who hasn't had any visitors.
Promote equality and fair play.
Pay for the next one or more cups of coffee or tea of fellow diners when you are settling your bill.
Plant trees to help offset the destruction of our forests.
Treat others with respect, and you will find that others will respect you.
Walk through a forest and enjoy the peace, the sights, the sounds, the aromas.
Sing in the shower.
Take an active interest in the young people from your area, and if the area lacks facilities for them, organize a group to do something about it, or approach a group who could do something about it, or write a letter to your council or local paper.
Believe in miracles.
When sending a letter or card to someone, include a leaf from a tree or shrub, or a flower that can easily be enclosed inside the card or between the pages of your letter. You may even choose to just send the leaf or flower in an envelope, and make it an anonymous gesture.
Contemplate life.
Don’t expect money or material things to bring you happiness. If they do, then it’s a bonus.
If you see a mother with a stroller about to ascend or descend stairs, offer to help carry the stroller.
If ever you are stumped for a birthday, Christmas or other gift, consider giving the person a grocery gift-card.
Give small tokens of your love to family, friends, children and the elderly for no particular reason - for example: flowers or a flower, a card (particularly home made cards), a fruit basket, a poem, a handkerchief, a hug.
Visit local aged care facilities and become a voluntary companion for a lonely patient. Ask the facility if you can use a skill you have. For example, it might be manicure and beauty care, reading books or papers, playing an instrument for entertainment, offering to write and/or send mail, taking them on shopping trips or short walks, playing cards. Also bear in mind that bringing children, as well as pets, into this kind of environment is a highlight for the frail and aged.
Stop blaming others.
Offer to baby sit so parents/guardians can have time alone or away.
Donate magazines/literature to medical services, aged care facilities, schools or kindergartens.
Wash someone’s car as a surprise.
If you are well off, consider putting some of it to use in helping others while you are still alive. That is wealth’s greatest satisfaction. And do it without fanfare – let the action be from your heart, rather than from your ego.
Give people the benefit of the doubt.
Donate to the needy – money, clothes, food.
At the onset of colder weather, donate warm clothing, blankets, etc. for the homeless.
Clean someone’s home.
Acknowledge every person you encounter.
Advertise locally to help with odd jobs on a volunteer basis, for aged or handicapped people.
Be someone’s hero.
Offer to baby sit for a few days during your holidays.
Stop to give a lift home to an elderly person laden with shopping at a bus stop.
Visit a facility for the underprivileged/disabled, and volunteer to do an activity that staff may not have time to do.

~*~